Mar 122008
 

For a year now I’ve been using whey protein concentrate from TrueProtein for my protein shakes. It was pretty palatable as protein powders go; as long as you ordered it sweetened with a double dose of stevia, it was like drinking cold sweet milk. Unfortunately it also made me bloated and gassy due to the lactose that remained, so even if my body fat percentage was going down, you couldn’t tell from my distended stomach.

My trainer recommended soy protein isolate instead, which isn’t supposed to cause that problem. So dumbass here ordered 10 lbs. of it, with double stevia, thinking, “Well, I’ve had soy products before and had no digestive issues. Should work just fine.”

I am far too trusting.

The stuff arrives, and I promptly cut the zipstrip on the bag and pour about half of it into the plastic jug I use to scoop from. Immediately I’m surrounded by a cloud of soy dust; on my clothes, in my hair, and up my nose. I had a sudden nightmare vision of being in a grain silo, a mere spark away from becoming a snarky headline on Fark.com, complete with Dumbass tag.

Once the dust cleared and the sneezing stopped it was time for the taste test. I put two scoops in my shaker bottle, added the 10 oz. of cold water that I used for the whey protein, and started shaking. As I shook, the sloshing sounds in the bottle became progressively quieter, until they stopped altogether. I opened the bottle and found…pudding. It had turned to pudding. I turned the bottle upside down over the sink to see if it would pour, and the alien mass inside didn’t so much as quiver. If it had eyes it would have just looked at me as if to say, “And…?”

I grabbed a spoon, took a bite, and realized that it wasn’t pudding after all; it was wallpaper paste. I had spent *mumble* fucking dollars on 10 lbs. of wallpaper paste. I could have bought that cheaper at Home Depot and saved the shipping cost. I immediately looked at TrueProtein’s return policy, much to my regret. Returns accepted only on unopened, unaltered products. Mine was both opened and altered (the stevia), so it seemed I was out of luck. I wrote them anyway and lied a little bit, saying that my stomach couldn’t handle the stuff (which was true to the extent that most peoples’ stomachs can’t handle drinking wallpaper paste). I got a very courteous reply from the sales manager, who restated the return policy but offered to ask the owners to make an exception. His other suggestion was to try selling it in the classified section of the TrueProtein forums.

I decided to tough it out and, after experimenting with the powder-to-water ratio, it will now at least pour out of the bottle, landing in my stomach with the solid thunk of a Mercedes door closing. But now, every time I drink the stuff, I can hear Cartman in my head, paraphrasing the Brokeback Mountain episode of South Park: “They’re all about gay weightlifters eatin soy puddin!”

At least it doesn’t cause bloating.

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