Apr 292008

It’s 1:40 in the morning. I have to be up at 4 to get ready to take Mom to the hospital for her knee replacement. I only slept for two hours last night, yet I’m not even drowsy now.

There’s a malfunctioning security light on the front of the building. It goes on for 13 seconds and goes out for 7. On for 13, off for 7, on, off, on, off, over and over, amen. The opaque set of curtains in the front window don’t close, so I can’t block it out.

On, off, on, off, on, off…

My mind is churning and won’t quiet down. Somehow in times like this I always end up torturing myself about everything wrong in the world. I found myself thinking about Gitmo, and the innocents who still languish there without trial or hope of freedom in America’s little gulag. Did you know there’s a kid who was sent there with his father when he was only 13? Who’s now 16 or 17, and has spent a good chunk of his most important formative years languishing in a cell, and never even charged with anything? Can you even begin to imagine the daily reality of such a thing?
Try and picture some young person you care about in such a situation. I do, and it makes me shake with rage, at both the injustice and the fact that I can’t fix it. No one can seem to fix it. Those who want to, can’t, and those who can, won’t.

I long for true righteousness, mercy, and justice in the world, but it always seems to be too little, and too slow to arrive for those who need it.

The Bible and other mythologies are full of stories about heroes given divine power and and a commandmant to go and fix the world.
Would that such things could actually happen, because we could use a good dose of world-fixing. I don’t believe in gods anymore, but I sometimes find myself casting my thoughts into the void: “Give me the means, and I will change the world right fucking now.” Of course, there’s no answer, for me or anyone else asking for the same thing. Because there’s nobody listening.

On, off, on, off, on, off…

I alternate between hope and despair for our entire species. Many days I truly believe we all deserve to die, and relieve every other living thing on this planet of the burden of our existence. Other days I truly believe we’re worth saving, and that we will get our shit straightened out before it’s too late.

When I’m feeling really ambitious, I truly believe both of those things at the same time.

On, off, on, off, on, off…

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