Mar 272013
 

Yesterday after work I went to GameStop to pick up a copy of Bioshock Infinite. For various vague reasons, which I considered for all of five seconds, I got it for our roommate Connor’s Xbox 360 instead of my PS3. You can probably guess that this post is about how I learned to regret that decision.

After the gym, a shower, and some food, I fired up the Xbox and got ready to play. I opened the tray, took out the Dishonored disc, and turned around to grab the Bioshock disc, when the tray closed of its own accord.

And wouldn’t reopen.

This is a Halo 3 edition Xbox, so it’s about 5 years old. It’s already gone through a bad power brick and an in-shop repair job. The tray problem is not new, but the workaround has always been to stand the unit on end, then push the eject button. I stood the unit on end and pushed the eject button.

click-whir-blink-blink

Nothing.

I pushed the button a few more times. I held it up and turned it through every possible axis of rotation while pushing the button. Yes, I even turned it off and turned it back on again.

click-whir-blink-blink

Nothing.

I started blistering the air heaping curses upon Redmond, while considering my options. I’d already opened the game, so I probably couldn’t exchange it. I entertained a wild fantasy about buying Connor a new Xbox and setting fire to the old one, but that would mean going to a store, buying a console, transferring our combined profiles and saved game data to the new console, then explaining to my husband why I’d spent nearly $300 on a video game. As one of the greatest minds of our generation has observed, ain’t nobody got time fo dat.

I chose a new course of action: beating the stupid thing. While smacking it on the side a few times, I started randomly hitting the eject and power buttons, hoping to confuse it into opening the tray.

Miracle of miracles, it worked! Hooking a finger in the tray to keep it from closing again, I reached back, grabbed the disc, and dropped it in, letting the tray close.

“Take that, bitch!”

Flush with victory, I glanced at the other disc label-side down on the couch and was suddenly seized by a terrible thought. I picked it up and flipped it over.

Bioshock Infinite.

My facepalm nearly broke the sound barrier. In my righteous fury, I’d accidentally put Dishonored right back in the tray.

Fearfully, I reached out and pressed the eject button, hoping against hope.

click-whir-blink-blink-fuck-you

I grabbed a screwdriver and went to war.

After a brief struggle, the Xbox surrendered its front bezel, and I had to literally haul the tray open. Triumphant at last, it was midnight before I quit playing and went to bed. I sure hope Connor likes Bioshock Infinite, because that disc is never leaving that tray.

By the way, the game itself is great, and if you like FPS games with fantastic story lines, I highly recommend picking up a copy.

For PC or Playstation.

Right before I shut the Xbox off, I discovered I had also forgotten to log myself in, so all of my progress and achievements were saved under Connor’s profile, not mine.

FML.

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