Aug 272016
 

If I howl into the void 

Can I be heard above the wind?

If I scream”no more” and the words fall 

like blood on the screen

Will they be seen?

If seen, read? 

If read, acted on?

I want to be un/heard 

So I send my pain down through

the channel unwatched 

The page unread

The screen unseen 

Hoping for a lifeline

Guaranteeing that none will come

So at the end I can say

I cried for help and none heard

Exactly as planned 

And so it ends:

Potential wasted

Promise unfulfilled

Youth and dreams gone to dust

On every horizon:

slow decrepitude

Loss of the loved 

Inevitable death

Forgotten by time

It will be as if I never existed

So why exist at all 

 Posted by at 9:40 pm
Aug 122016
 

Wednesday night I saw a tweet from Los Feliz Daycare that mentioned a student named Isis. When I saw it, I had a powerful, inexplicable urge to pray to the Egyptian goddess Isis.

I haven’t believed in, or prayed to, any deity in about 15 years, so I have no idea where the hell that came from. Egyptian wasn’t even my pantheon of choice when I was a pagan. 

I went so far as to look up prayers to Isis and recite one in my mind, but fell asleep before finishing. I fully expected to dream about Isis that night, but nothing happened that I recall.

I tried again last night but, again, fell asleep very quickly. The urge isn’t really there anymore, but the strangeness of it happening at all remains.

Mar 222016
 

I took the new Pālanā hotness and a stealth Andy deck to league last night, and scored my very first win against Trevor (using PE) on a lucky HQ run. Trevor rarely makes a mistake, or falls for traps, so it was quite a boost for me, because I had pretty much resigned myself to never winning against him. Which, of course, creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I didn’t do as well with Pālanā vs. Leela. There are so many assets to manage that I kept getting paralyzed by the number of choices. In the deck comments I had said it was a great deck and, while I still think that’s true, it needs some tweaks, just not sure which ones yet. Some suggested changes are swapping Harvester for Inazuma, Psychic Field for Snare!, and a Braintrust for a third Medical Breakthrough, as I never found an opportunity to over-advance Braintrust.

After Trevor left, Max’s friend Josh jumped in. He’s new to the game, and didn’t have cards yet, so we used mine. I definitely earned the “teach a new player” achievement for my league score, because even though he’d discussed the game a lot with Max and his other friend Craig(?), he didn’t know you had to use clicks to install cards. Or advance them. Or nearly anything else.

He learned fast though, and generally improved with each game, but my decks were not great for teaching. Pālanā has too much to manage for a new player, and nothing induces table-flipping rage like getting Account Siphoned over and over again, so I deliberately held back to avoid frustrating him to the point of quitting. I tried to be helpful, as did Max, but I wasn’t watching for teaching moments as closely as I could have been, because I was in more of a mood for some actual competition.

Oct 192015
 

Played two against new guy Trevor, who didn’t join the league, but is really good. I played Stealth Hayley vs his NBN Making News, which I never see played anymore.  He eventually Midseasoned me out of the game. 

Second game was his Noise vs my Harmony Medtech. It was a slog, but despite a 4-point lead, he kept milling me and finally ran Archives to score out, after having buried my two remaining Jacksons.

Decided not to have his two games be my league games.

Against Max: my Hayley vs his Blue Sun, I scored out in about 4 turns. One of them was a Government Takeover. 

As Harmony Medtech vs his Edward Kim, he ran through Komainu and was finished off by Swordsman. 

Last match was Max’s Blue Sun vs my Noise. He blew me out. 

2nd game of that match was against Ryan S. (Greyfield on OCTGN and Netrunnerdb) and his Kate Faust deck. He scored out because I STUPIDLY rezzed Excalibur with 2 of my last three creds, suddenly blanking on the fact he could use Faust against it. If I’d saved the creds for the Swordsman in front of my scoring server, I’d have kept him out and scored The Future Perfect. Why do I make such stupid fucking mistakes? I KNEW better. FML. 

Sep 282013
 

A book of Celtic…something. Verse? Stories? Essays? The foreword was done in an illuminated manuscript style, and was written by Aaron. His name appeared in big letters in a circle on the center of the page. I and the people I was with were completely shocked by this.

Jena and some other guy from work. At one point they teased me about “hooking up” with some cute guy at work.

A friendly gray and white-striped cat on our front lawn. I approached him very carefully, and he didn’t run away, eventually letting me pet him. I called him Ghost.

Going to Aaron’s office, which was in the University for some reason. He wasn’t there but it was a nice office; lots of fancy wookwork.

 Posted by at 7:29 am
Jan 112013
 

I’ve been getting a flood of new user registrations to this site lately, more than usual. Almost all of them have what appear to be random or nearly random Gmail accounts. They never leave any comments, according to Akismet, so I wonder: are any of you real, or just automated scripts?

Please leave a comment if you’re actually a carbon-based life form currently sucking air past your teeth.

 Posted by at 3:02 pm
Oct 242012
 

Reposted from Shivian’s blog, because I was happy with how I phrased my response.

“Until we set standards in neopaganism, we’ll continue to breed tons of ignorant neopagans that cause damage both in-and-out of the community” – Shivian

“I’m going to repost my response to this from Twitter for the sake of completeness, but first some background: I am a former garden-variety Wiccan, who honored the complementary opposites represented by the Sun/God and Moon/Goddess, and occasionally a number of their masks in the form of named deities, as the situation called for. I was a member of a loose coven of friends, and had (and still have) a lot of great times with them, both spiritual and not.

About ten years ago, after a lot of reading and difficult soul-searching, I came to the realization, in the absence of compelling evidence to the contrary, that there are almost certainly no such things as gods, existing as discrete, self-willed entities; that they are all human constructs with no external validity.

I am a confirmed atheist, and feel that religion in general (but specifically the ‘Big Three’ Abrahamic religions) has been, and continues to be, the source of most of the world’s ills. I long for the day religion is completely replaced by science and reason.

HOWEVER, that said, I still have a soft spot for paganism (and I use ‘paganism’ as an umbrella term). Pagans are some of the most tolerant, accepting, diverse, non-dogmatic, non-judgmental folks I have ever met, and if religious belief is going to persist (which it is), we could do far worse than having more pagans in the world.

One of the most distinctive traits of paganism is its intense individuality. As a strength, it means that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to practice, only the way that works for the individual or group involved. As a weakness, it means that pagans, as a group, can’t present a unified front to stand up to outside persecution. It also means that trying to get a group of pagans of different practices and belief systems to agree on anything is major cat-herding.

I think the good of that individuality outweighs the bad, so when you talk about setting standards I feel this potentially sets the stage for the kind of dogmatic hierarchy and sectarianism that plagues the Big Three.

Who would set these standards? Who would enforce them? Will non-adherents be punished for deviating from those standards? If you replace ‘non-adherents’ with ‘heretics’, you might see why I felt the need to respond about a subject I usually stay far away from. We’ve been down that road before, and the end result was the Inquisition and the Burning Times.

I know this was an offhand comment by you, and maybe I’m going on about it too much already, but calls like that can take on a life of their own, *especially* when it comes to religion, and you seem to have a fair amount of influence in pagan circles. It’s a slippery slope, so tread carefully, and think hard about possible unintended consequences down the road, if this is something you really want to organize and pursue.

On the other hand, I think the most likely result is that the cats will scatter. 🙂

As for the fear that ‘neopaganism will fade away’, that’s only possible if neopaganism were a single thing or system. Maybe you and I just define the term differently, but I see it as an umbrella term encompassing many belief systems and practices. There’s little chance that all of them will fade away, although constituent members may come and go, merge or split. As long as there are people whose spiritual needs are not fulfilled by the current dominant religions, alternative practices such as neopaganism will continue to exist.”

 

Jan 312010
 

With another wakeup call that was far too early, Andy and I staggered around getting ready to leave for Boyne. After a quick breakfast, goodbyes to his folks, and packing up all the booze, we hit the road to Boyne Mountain for another day of snowboarding. I planned on taking another beginner lesson to reinforce what I’d learned on Friday and improve the basics as much as I could.

Honestly, I was dreading this rather than looking forward to it, and I had several moments where I just wanted to go home. Whenever I try to learn something new, especially something physical, I demand immediate competency at it from myself, even if it’s something I’ve never even attempted before. When that doesn’t happen as fast as I want (and it never does, of course) my frustration starts a slow climb, crosses into rage, then peaks with a “Fuck this, I quit!”, which is what happened on Friday after bouncing the back of my skull off the snow one too many times at Crystal. Once I hit that breaking point, though, I typically stop to cool off and clear my head for a bit, then go right back to it after I’ve “reset”. Even though this kind of expectation is totally unrealistic, and probably a bit unhealthy, the upside is that I really do learn very quickly, even if I don’t give myself enough credit for it because it’s not as quick as I think it should be.

So I was kind of dreading riding because I was sure I’d just continue to fall a lot, not be able to turn, or stop, and just generally continue to suck at it. Seriously, I’d had four hours of lessons and practice, I should be able to do the basics perfectly, right?!

Anyway, we pulled into Boyne at about 9:45 a.m., got to the registration desk at 10, and discovered that the class I wanted started at 10, not 10:30 like we’d thought; too late to get my gear rented, suit up, and get to the class. Oh well. I got my stuff anyway, my free lift ticket for the Boyneland beginner run, and went to the baby hill to practice. I felt kind of conspicuous among all the toddlers and kids, but ignored it and soldiered on.

After a while it became obvious that the baby hill was actually impeding my progress rather than helping. The slope was so gentle, and short, that I couldn’t really build up enough speed to practice any turns before I reached the end. On top of that there was usually someone in my way and, because I couldn’t confidently turn to avoid them, I’d deliberately fall to avoid a collision. After that happened twice in a row, I decided to brave the Boyneland run, which is about 1/2 mile long. As I got on the lift with another rider the attendant asked, “Are you having fun yet?”, to which I replied, “Not really.”

“What?! Why not?”

“I don’t really know what I’m doing yet.”

“We have lessons…”

The lift was pulling away so I couldn’t explain, and just parted with, “I’m kind of at the in-between stage.”

After a 5-minute lift ride, I pushed off the chair at the top and promptly fell over, scrambling to get out of the way of the next chair. I scooted down to the top of the fun and stared downslope.

And stared.

And stared some more.

“Alright, let’s do this. There’s only one way down, and you are NOT taking your board off and walking this time.”

I strapped my right foot in and started down. I fell a lot, of course, but made it down in one piece. I went back up and did it again. I even managed to stay upright coming out of the chairlift this time. One of the first problems I managed to overcome was unintentional rotation, by learning to flex my leading foot up or down to correct my heading. Then I made progress on braking by applying steady pressure on my leading edge, instead of “chattering”, which inevitably dumped me on my ass. I was still having problems turning, and just couldn’t seem to cross the slope, turn, and cross back. This was made worse by the fact that the run slopes to the left after a nearly-flat stretch about halfway down, so not only would I lose speed, I’d end up like a gutter ball. Everything else showed improvement but, even by the end of the day, I could not, for the life of me, stay off the left edge of the run, which was getting me all wound up and cussing like the sailor I once was.

Here’s a tip for anyone interested in riding: get step-in bindings. You really don’t have a choice with rental boards, but you will get really sick, really fast, of sitting down to ratchet your ankle and toe straps closed before every run. I envied Andy’s ability to just step-n-click and ride off.

Andy and I rode for about another two hours after lunch, then called it a day so we could get home at a reasonable time. A storm system had parked itself over the upper end of the state, causing near-whiteout conditions until we drove out of it near Roscommon. I was actually sorry the snow stopped, because I love watching it, and the roads weren’t all that bad yet.

Despite my little temper problems, I really did have a great weekend, and I’d definitely try snowboarding again, hopefully before I forget what I learned already. Big thanks to Andy and his parents.

Jan 302010
 

My subconscious was apparently still traumatized from having its cage rattled the day before, because the most prominent dream I had Friday night involved Andy pushing me out onto M-115, one of the two-lane roads we drove to Crystal Mountain, on a snowboard. I had to board down the road, stay upright, and dodge traffic in both directions.

The breakfast his mom cooked for us made it all disappear, however, and Andy, his dad, and I stopped in town at Don Orr’s Ski & Surf shop so I could rent gear for the Vasa Trail. The guys declared my skis to be surprisingly good for rentals, and a steal at $10 for 24 hours. I was out of there with skis, poles, and boots in about 15 minutes, and ready to exhaust myself in new and exciting ways.

After a brief lesson in the basics of skiing, we pushed off from the head of the trail and down the flat, straight path.

Where I promptly fell over.

Fortunately, falling on skis was far less punishing than falling on a snowboard, and I didn’t need a helmet to protect the tattered remnants of my ability to do math. The trail has a pair of narrow tracks carved into the snow on one edge of it, and for the most part you just plant your skis in them and push along, sort of like a slot-car track. The only times I needed to leave it were for hills so steep I had to plant my skis at an angle in order to climb it, and for turns at the bottom of hills so sharp that you’d fly off the track into an inconveniently placed tree.

What was especially fun was getting to the top of a high slope that ran straight out at the bottom instead of turning, like being on a really cold roller coaster.

After about the first 2 km, I was asked if I wanted to stick to the 6k loop, or continue on to the 12k. Giving in to my testosterone-soaked male pride, I voted for 12k, but I managed to not thump my chest as I did so.

I fell a lot (surprise!), and never really did figure out how to turn, so much as learn to gently suggest to the skis that, if it wasn’t too much of an inconvenience, would they mind terribly if we altered our course by a degree or two at some point entirely of their choosing?

By about the 7 or 8k mark, I started going through distinct levels of fatigue. At first, I was all about staying upright no matter what, by sheer force of will and latent telekinesis if necessary. I often failed, but eventually improved. That, or the telekinesis was less latent than I thought.

Then I reached a point where, as I started to topple, my intention to stay vertical was preempted by a sudden “oh, screw it!” It was less effort to just get it over with, fall, and get back up.

Finally, at around 10k, I came full circle, and the thought of picking myself up out of the snow again had me right back to staying upright by any means necessary. I also gave up using the tracks, for the most part, because I realized they were like training wheels, and I’d never learn to keep my skis under me if I kept relying on them.

Exaggerations of my clumsiness aside, it was a lot of fun, and gliding through a remote pine forest while fat snowflakes drift silently down around you is an experience I highly recommend.

We hustled to get home, shower, and change, as Andy’s folks were taking us to dinner at Tuscan Bistro before they attended a play. My penne alla vodka with prosciutto was great, but unfortunately the others were kind of underwhelmed with their meals.

Andy and I managed to find Left Foot Charley’s after some trial & error and cursing of Google Maps, and rewarded ourselves by sampling all five of their whites, the single red, and both hard ciders. The whites were great, but the red and one of the ciders bordered on nasty. Andy loaded up on bottles to take home, and I picked up three varieties of Riesling for his parents, my mom, and Aaron and I.

We went from Left Foot to Right Brain (Brewery), and some serious beer sampling. Conveniently, there were 12 varieties on tap, each sampler tray held six glasses, and there were two of us. Isn’t symmetry beautiful?

The only one we both agreed on was the Hearthside Stout, a very dark brew that tasted like chocolate, vanilla, cinnamon, oatmeal, and (of all things) pipe tobacco. We each bought growlers of it, and Andy also got a jug of Wasabi Cream Ale. Blech.

After two glasses of water and an hour of sobering up, we drove back, guzzled more water, and called it a night, since the plan for the morning was to load up the car and drive to Boyne Mountain in time for a 10:30 a.m. snowboard lesson for me.

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